Here I am again! Weight Loss Wednesday returns and boy is it needed. I didn’t weigh myself the whole way through the IVF cycle so we can blame the drugs, the isotonic drinks, the high protein diet, the inability to walk anywhere due to the sheer exhaustion of down regulating hell and of course the chocolate which to be honest going through the hell of IVF should just be prescribed alongside the drugs!
None of this of course was good for my waistline that’s for sure. I had last entered my weight on my app the day before IVF started and got back on the scales the day of my official test day and this was the rather embarrassing result.
I had expected to gain weight but tbh I’m a bit disgusted with myself at that weight gain. It also threw my weight back up again over the IVF target weight for the clinic so if it stayed that way it would mean I wouldn’t be eligible for treatment again. It was only 4.5lbs over so achievable enough to get it back down before my follow up appointment.
So back to my old faithful Slimming world and up with the challenging myself to more steps on my fitbit. This week I’ve managed
I have been trying to make myself move more and get my motivation back and I’m feeling quite good for it.
I’m happy with this as my first week back, especially seeing as we have had visitors, dinners out, wine and our wedding anniversary all in this week.
Only one pound to get back to my IVF target!
Well today was official test day, the day that was given to us with much excitement two weeks ago, God is that all it was, it feels like months ago now with all the emotional rollercoaster we’ve been on since we knew the cycle failed.
Anyway, despite knowing it failed, even I’m not delusional enough to think that what I had last week was anything but my period. We still had to pee on a stick this morning and call the result into the clinic. I don’t take pregnancy tests, I’ve only done two the whole three years of trying so to take one this morning knowing 100% I wasn’t pregnant was weird to say the least. Of course the result was just as I was expecting.
BFN ~ Big Fat Negative in fertility speak.
Surprisingly I was okay with it, I wasn’t expecting it to be anything else and the thought of doing it was far worse than actually doing it. I made the call to the clinic with a fake smile plastered on and got the we’re very sorry, there’s nothing else that can be said is there? I’ve asked to be booked in for a follow up appointment. I would like to speak with the consultant on whether there are some parts of my protocol that can be changed for our final attempt on the NHS. I know there are no real answers to why it failed but I want to throw everything at the next cycle. I have lots of questions about this one that I’m hoping they can at least attempt to give some sort of answers too even if it isn’t clear cut.
I’ve come to terms with it and we are going to take some time out to remember who we are in the middle of all this. We can still try naturally which is one positive of ‘unexplained infertility’ and that will be our plan for a while. Not this month though, this month is just about us…
This post shouldn’t have been going live until next week, I had planned on giving a run down of how I kept myself sane, things I did and the run down of ‘progesterone pregnancy symptoms’
Instead my two week wait only lasted for 7 days as on the morning of 8dp5dt (8 days post 5 day transfer) I started spotting. Hit like a ton of bricks with the heart pounding/stopping moment, this couldn’t be happening, my test date wasn’t for another 6 days but it was happening and with a heavy heart I went to tell my husband. I very rarely see him cry but today has put an end to that and to be honest I don’t know what’s harder, seeing him devastated or being devastated myself.
All I could do was apologise, I know in my heart that this is not my fault but it’s my body therefore it feels like it’s my fault.
Why did my body reject the embryo?why did my period start so early?
what the hell is wrong with me when everyone keeps telling me there is nothing bloody wrong with me!!
What the hell do I need to do to make this work?
I’m angry and I’m sad, no matter what small percentage that they give you for IVF success you want to be in that percentage, you want to hope that you are one of the lucky ones and why wouldn’t we think that when there is nothing wrong with us?! Over the course of the day the bleeding got heavier, I couldn’t kid myself on that this was anything other than the end of this cycle. To be hit with failure even when you always knew it could happen but didn’t want to dwell on it just winds you. It leaves you numb and just in disbelief. Why could it not be us that were one of those lucky works first time IVF’ers? But we’re not….
I know I’m not the only one that this has happened to and I know I won’t be the last. I also know that there is just as much chance of this happening when we get round to cycle number 2 whenever that may be.
But within the pain we are feeling we have to pick ourselves up again, we have to believe that one day we will be successful.
Infertility is a soul sucking shit of a evil thing, one that I wouldn’t wish on anyone
Thank you to each and every one of you, for reading my blog, for tweeting me, for texting and asking after me every step of this journey. You will never know how much every one of you have helped me and I can never repay you but I want you to know it did and does mean the world to me, thank you.
Some of the small things that have made me happy over the last month.
Flat out Schanuzers
There has been plenty of daring to believe this month.
Sneaky little winter sun holiday breaks booked.
Important votes cast.
There was a mammoth meeting of Schnauzers at the beach.
New colourful crochet hooks purchased.
Wet but nice dog walks.
Amazing new chocolate found.
Sunday morning Starbucks enjoyed.
Sunshine and autumn leaves canal walks.
There were amazing cupcakes and best friend meet ups.
There has been plenty of wearing this and believing miracles can happen.
And Schnauzer sunny shadows.
September has been a hard month emotionally but we got through it and despite everything else that has been going on its great to look back at all the small things that have helped to keep me going and put a smile on my face.