Month: March 2015

Some bunny hopes you have a sweet Easter

I made some Easter bags for my nieces and nephews last year and I thought I would do the same this year. They are so quick and easy to make and the bonus this year was I only needed to pick up the chocolate and print some new labels.

This year my littlest nephew is nearly 2 so instead of the soft toy he got last year I got him a small buttons egg and some small smarties chicks to go alongside. For the others I used the bunnies from Aldi again and mini eggs. 

I wanted some different tags for this years ones and good old pinterest came up trumps again with these lovely ones from

I think they finish the bags off really well and hope the kids like them.

Claire xx

Empty arms on Mothers Day.

Today is Mothers day in the UK.  A day where my arms are empty of my own child, a day where my infertility seems to scream from the rooftops, a day where I am not yet a Mother.

But one day I dream that my baby will still come and one day I will be a mother in the true sense of the word.  For now though, on this lovely day of celebration, please don’t forget those ladies who are still waiting on their dreams to come true.

I found this poem on the internet a few years ago.  The words say it all.

Claire x

Weight Loss Wednesday ~ Monthly update

Oops, I’m a little late with this months post. It should really have gone up last week but with still being in the middle of my IVF cycle I really wasn’t pressuring myself to do a weigh in post. 

Weight gain on IVF cycles have been a real issue for me, gaining a ridiculous amount during the drugs, tww and the emotional eating aftermath. This cycle I really watched what I was eating whilst upping my protein and lowering sugar and carbs and although I am still reporting a gain overall, I’m pleased to say it’s only.

Today sees the return to healthy eating. I need to be so careful to not allow myself too much emotional eating now the cycle has failed again. 

If we are to cycle again in a year or so I would like to weigh at least 1-2 stone less than I do now so I still have some work to do. 

️C xx

And the grief washes over us….. The end of IVF#2

And so it is all over yet again, however this time it feels more final. As I’ve mentioned before we are very lucky to have received two funded cycles of IVF on the NHS and for that I am very grateful. We have used these up with little or nothing to show for it, apart from a lot of heartache. For those that think IVF is the easy option, you are so far wrong it is unreal. This is by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through and today it has broken me. Infertilty is a disease, not a choice….

We are totally numb, again we got to 8dp5dt (8 days past a five day transfer) and I started to bleed. Official test day is not for another 6 days, though Dundee do do a long testing wait period. This time I won’t be testing again, I will just call the clinic on the day which ironically happens to be Mothers day and call in the negative result.

Part of me didn’t expect anything else, once we were told at transfer that we basically made very shite embyros this time, I zoned out of the two week wait that never was. People told me to have hope and there was a tiny bit there but it was tiny. I couldn’t allow myself to believe that the outcome would be anything other than a negative result, I suppose it was a bit of self preservation, you know what I mean? Trying to pre-empt the bad result so when you get the bad result it doesn’t hurt as much. Rational? Maybe not. Did it work? A tiny bit, or so I thought.

When the realisation hit, the early test that was negative….done to try to prepare myself. My attempts at self preservation to try and stop it hurting so much were forgotten, it hurt like hell, I feel like a zombie, head not really with anything I am doing, thinking about it, not thinking about it. One thing I know though is that we gave it our all this time and there is nothing about the cycle or the way we prepared for it that I would change. I wanted to make sure before we started if it was to fail that we wouldn’t be able to say “if only we did this or if only we did that” and I am grateful to be able to say that with all the things going through our heads, regret is not one of them.

Where we go from here is another question and probably a lot more soul searching and I am sure there will be blogging. All I know is for the minute we are stepping off the trying to conceive roller coaster all together. After basically being told that it would look like our sperms and eggs aren’t compatible I think the kindest thing to do for ourselves is to stop for a while. We will need to look at whether we do further IVF at some point in the next few years but for now, no more waiting and praying every month for a different outcome. We need to remember what life was like before trying to conceive. It will never return to that naive place, the place before we ventured into the world of infertility, I am not that stupid to think that way.

Normal will now have to become a new type of normal, it won’t go back to what we used to think of as normal. A we can’t have kids naturally or possibly at all? now the new normal. Will we cycle again ever? is now the new normal. Will be ever be parents? is now the new normal.

Infertility is the loss of an assumed future….. Never take it for granted.

C xx

Day 3, Day 5 and Egg Transfer – IVF#2

Sorry for the delay in posting this update and for those who don’t follow me on twitter I am not going to dress up this post. This cycle really wasn’t good at all. Our Sperm and Eggs really didn’t seem to like each other this time.

The embryologist seemed to think this was okay. I breathed a sigh of relief, there was a chance that the slower ones could catch up before day 5, but at this point we had 4 on par with what was expected and that was better than last cycle. As usual Dundee aim to culture all embryos to day 5.

Off we headed for transfer on day 5, full of chat about how many we would transfer, never even passing a thought to the possibility that we may have little or none to transfer. I mean this cycle felt so different, from start to finish. We were totally dumbstruck when we were led into the room and were told that we didn’t have any even reasonable quality embryos to transfer. Two blastos had been discounted, I’ve no idea why, they obviously weren’t good enough to return and you have to respect that decision, they are the experts in their field after all. Then the major blow, the only other two were early blastocysts, they couldn’t be graded which is what you want. We vaguely remember being told that one had ‘odd looking cells’ appearing at the top of it which she didn’t know that they might mean. When we questioned it, she did say that due to the same presentation on the last cycle, we may have just found out the reason for our infertility and instead of being unexplained we are possibly looking at having some from of chromosomal incompatibility. Our sperm and eggs just don’t match, they may never match and that was overwhelming.

We were told that we could return the two early blastos, but basically not to expect too much from them, even mentioning that we could just not transfer anything at all. But there was no way that we could do that.  That damn little spark of hope that you have, you know, hearing all those stories of crap embryos becoming lively little babies. It snuck in and took over.  So we decided to transfer both, in for a penny and all that.  There was no excitement though, the drive home was actually spent discussing our options in the future.  Could we afford to cycle again?  Would we use Dundee?  Should we ever try to get to blasto stage again or are we better hoping a day 3 transfer would stick? Would we want to adopt?  Not the questions that you expect to be coming home with after a transfer that’s for sure.

I’m not going to leave you hanging, the cycle as predicted didn’t work.  We gave it our all.  We are done…..

C xx

It’s the small things ~ February Edition

Some of the little things that have made the month of February.

There have been cold canal walks with the pooch. 

Exciting IVF protocol flow charts looked at. 

Blue clear skies and walks by the sea. 

Hard decisions made! 

Amazing unexpected post received. 

Lovely valentines meal shared

Favourite flowers received. 

Upside down sleeping dog providing lots of amusement. 

Reminders to never lose hope. 

Birthdays celebrated. 

Stimulation for IVF#2 completed. 

Reminders to focus on the here and now. 

The most amazing news received!