And so as the months trying to conceive trundle on and slowly turn to years, I feel in some ways I manage so much better than I did before, especially the day that my period shows. My expectations are lowered that’s for sure so I’ve no doubt that helps. I still have hope though, if I didn’t what would be the point in some ways of continuing on on this road. But in other ways, though I pretend I’m coping I’m so bloody frustrated.

I can’t help some anger building, I try and not let it seep in and take over but some days yes I’ll admit it, I’m blooming angry. I’ve read so much about infertiles being angry with others, like those who have what you want, irrational? Yes. Honest? Yes. I have to admit at times some of that is there but for me I’ll openly admit that’s jealously. I’m not proud of that and I have to work damn hard to make sure it doesn’t consume me. I know it’s not that persons fault but I want this blog to be truthful account of my infertility so yes I have to admit that these can sometimes be my feelings each time I hear this news and sometimes they are not pretty.

My anger is really directed at me though, all of me at times but mainly my stupid body.
Yet I know this is irrational too. I have unexplained infertility, there apparently is nothing wrong with my body so why do I blame it? I suppose it’s because no matter what tests they run that say my body is fine, it’s my body that should be doing this job, my body that should be producing that egg this month (which of course all tests says it does) my body which should be allowing that egg to fertilise and settle down for 9 months (the part it sucks at) my body that should be allowing me this opportunity, the one thing I want more in the world, the one thing that apparently there is no flaming reason why it can’t happen and it’s not. Still never even a sniff of a second line on a flaming pregnancy test.

I hate my body

I hate you unexplained infertility

I’m scared

4 comments on “And as the months turn to years – Still trying to conceive……”

  1. Thinking of you C.

    I won’t say I ‘understand’ the feelings of jealousy but I’d like to think I can empathise. You are so strong, so brave, so kind and such a generous hearted person. Your interest and advice in my pregnancy and experience of motherhood has never ceased to amaze me when you’re going through what you are. I am cheering you on as always and can’t wait to see all your dreams come true xxx

    • Thank you loads J xx It really means a lot to me that you care. Fingers crossed it won’t be long until I’m joining you in mummy hood 🙂 xx

  2. Huge, huge hugs! I know those feelings you describe very well. In fact, when I finally got my BFP, I had very mixed feelings about announcing it to my LTTTC friends online because I know well the mixed feelings of happiness, sadness and anger these announcements can bring up.

    I admire your ability to keep going. I hope one day we’ll be celebrating the birth of your baby. And when we do, there will be enough tears of joy to fill a river! xo

    • Thank you so much for your comment L xx it means so much to have your continued support.

      When you announced I was so happy for you as I knew how hard it had been to get to that point. It gives me hope for me that it will happen. I can’t wait to let you all know when that day occurs xx

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