And so as the months trying to conceive trundle on and slowly turn to years, I feel in some ways I manage so much better than I did before, especially the day that my period shows. My expectations are lowered that’s for sure so I’ve no doubt that helps. I still have hope though, if I didn’t what would be the point in some ways of continuing on on this road. But in other ways, though I pretend I’m coping I’m so bloody frustrated.
I can’t help some anger building, I try and not let it seep in and take over but some days yes I’ll admit it, I’m blooming angry. I’ve read so much about infertiles being angry with others, like those who have what you want, irrational? Yes. Honest? Yes. I have to admit at times some of that is there but for me I’ll openly admit that’s jealously. I’m not proud of that and I have to work damn hard to make sure it doesn’t consume me. I know it’s not that persons fault but I want this blog to be truthful account of my infertility so yes I have to admit that these can sometimes be my feelings each time I hear this news and sometimes they are not pretty.
My anger is really directed at me though, all of me at times but mainly my stupid body.
Yet I know this is irrational too. I have unexplained infertility, there apparently is nothing wrong with my body so why do I blame it? I suppose it’s because no matter what tests they run that say my body is fine, it’s my body that should be doing this job, my body that should be producing that egg this month (which of course all tests says it does) my body which should be allowing that egg to fertilise and settle down for 9 months (the part it sucks at) my body that should be allowing me this opportunity, the one thing I want more in the world, the one thing that apparently there is no flaming reason why it can’t happen and it’s not. Still never even a sniff of a second line on a flaming pregnancy test.
I hate my body
I hate you unexplained infertility