And so it is all over yet again, however this time it feels more final. As I’ve mentioned before we are very lucky to have received two funded cycles of IVF on the NHS and for that I am very grateful. We have used these up with little or nothing to show for it, apart from a lot of heartache. For those that think IVF is the easy option, you are so far wrong it is unreal. This is by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through and today it has broken me. Infertilty is a disease, not a choice….

We are totally numb, again we got to 8dp5dt (8 days past a five day transfer) and I started to bleed. Official test day is not for another 6 days, though Dundee do do a long testing wait period. This time I won’t be testing again, I will just call the clinic on the day which ironically happens to be Mothers day and call in the negative result.

Part of me didn’t expect anything else, once we were told at transfer that we basically made very shite embyros this time, I zoned out of the two week wait that never was. People told me to have hope and there was a tiny bit there but it was tiny. I couldn’t allow myself to believe that the outcome would be anything other than a negative result, I suppose it was a bit of self preservation, you know what I mean? Trying to pre-empt the bad result so when you get the bad result it doesn’t hurt as much. Rational? Maybe not. Did it work? A tiny bit, or so I thought.

When the realisation hit, the early test that was negative….done to try to prepare myself. My attempts at self preservation to try and stop it hurting so much were forgotten, it hurt like hell, I feel like a zombie, head not really with anything I am doing, thinking about it, not thinking about it. One thing I know though is that we gave it our all this time and there is nothing about the cycle or the way we prepared for it that I would change. I wanted to make sure before we started if it was to fail that we wouldn’t be able to say “if only we did this or if only we did that” and I am grateful to be able to say that with all the things going through our heads, regret is not one of them.

Where we go from here is another question and probably a lot more soul searching and I am sure there will be blogging. All I know is for the minute we are stepping off the trying to conceive roller coaster all together. After basically being told that it would look like our sperms and eggs aren’t compatible I think the kindest thing to do for ourselves is to stop for a while. We will need to look at whether we do further IVF at some point in the next few years but for now, no more waiting and praying every month for a different outcome. We need to remember what life was like before trying to conceive. It will never return to that naive place, the place before we ventured into the world of infertility, I am not that stupid to think that way.

Normal will now have to become a new type of normal, it won’t go back to what we used to think of as normal. A we can’t have kids naturally or possibly at all? now the new normal. Will we cycle again ever? is now the new normal. Will be ever be parents? is now the new normal.

Infertility is the loss of an assumed future….. Never take it for granted.

C xx

14 comments on “And the grief washes over us….. The end of IVF#2”

  1. Hi Claire, I’m so very sorry to hear your second IVF was unsuccessful, I’ve been following your progress and really hoped it would be different for you this time. My thoughts are with you xxx

  2. I’m so sorry hon. You have absolutely every right to grieve. I know that nothing I can say will really help, but I am sending lots of virtual hugs xxx

  3. Hi Claire,

    I can’t tell you how sorry I was to hear your news. I know that things were not looking good but there is always hope… until it’s gone. It is hard to put into words the grief you feel when IVF fails – I can honestly say that reading your post is like hearing myself. I identify with you so closely – like you I received 2 NHS funded IVFs and like you, neither worked. I only produced 1 very poor quality embryo and each time they looked pityingly at me…

    I wont go on because this is not about me, it is about you. You are absolutely right – the best thing to do right now is take a break and be really kind to each other. IVF can be extremely rough on a relationship – I know that my husband found it so hard not just dealing with his own feelings but watching me literally fall apart. After our 4th failure (we did not have time on our side as I am much older than you) we both realised that almost our whole relationship had been about trying to have a baby and we needed some time out. We made a promise to each other that we would not mention fertility treatment, IVF, or any of it for 6 whole months. It was hard, but it was also really important for us. You are still young, and you can afford to take a few months out of the ttc journey, and it will help you get a fresh perspective on it. It certainly helped us.

    I just wanted you to know that you are not alone – and I am sending you love and hugs – and hope. Just because you take time out it doesn’t mean you have to give up. Modern science is AMAZING and new techniques are being discovered every day.

    Abby xx

    • Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing a bit about your own journey. It is so nice to be surrounded by people who understand, not so nice that it means that they too have suffered the heartache of infertility.
      You are right though some time out is just what we need, time to find each other again, not to have everything revolving around trying to have a baby. We won’t give up totally just yet, it’s more of a lets figure this out rather than we are done.

      C xx

  4. Hi, I’ve just read all your IVF related stuff on your blog as my wife and I are due to start soon at Ninewells. I am sorry to hear about your lack of success so far, I have had failed attempts at IUI and I know the devestating feeling that comes with it. Hopefully you’ll be one of the lucky couples that ends up getting pregnant the natural way after all this.

    Anyway I wanted to say thank you for your blog, I highly appreciated hearing about your experiences (I’ve not had good service from the ACU so far!)

    Keep your chin up ❤

    • Hi, thanks for your comment. I’m sorry to have not had a great service so far, I can’t complain too much but I due to no ability to change things much that we would cycle again there and will probably look to go abroad.

      I’m glad the blog has been helpful for you, I had hoped it would help others who were cycling there as before I did I really couldn’t find much about real experienced there. I wish you and your wife so much luck with your cycles and hope your dreams come true. If you have any questions I’m always here. Xx

      • Thank you very much. Your blog is great and answered all my questions, I’ve searched for something like this for ages!

        I hope you have a nice wee spring and summer celebrating youselves and each other together in this world. I will keep my thoughts with you and hopefully your time will come when you least expect it ❤

  5. Hi Claire.. i happened to stumble across your blog looking for a kfc style chicken slimming world recipe and noticed your ivf post…
    I am so sorry to hear that it hasn’t worked for you 🙁 Life absolutely sucks sometimes!
    My hubby and i were challenged ourselves.. he has a low sperm count with low mobility and i had issues due to irregular periods etc..
    We were told we would need to go through IVF to have children.. and couldnt get it on the nhs in our area.. so we started saving.. after a year the doctors found pre cancerous cells in my womb and i needed a full hysterectomy.. so that was all the hopes of ever having a child naturally out of the window 🙁
    We are now down to ivf as i still have my ovaries (way too expensive) or adoption.. which scares the hell outta me because the process is so long and hard!
    I really hope you and your other half get your dream xxx

    • Hi Kirsty,

      Thank you so much for your comment. I am sorry that you are in that position. The whole blooming thing is so long and hard. I so hope you get your dream too. xx

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