This is a post that is very hard to write, pregnancy after infertility is not quite how I expected it to be. There I said it. It’s not all a bed of roses with happiness at every turn. In fact is currently the opposite really. I feel that infertility has robbed me of the joy of being pregnant, robbed me of my innocence where all things pregnancy are concerned. It has left me afraid to even enjoy being pregnant. Something I never thought I would be experiencing, something that I have found hard to acknowledge never mind talk about openly. But today I decided that that needed to change and I took to twitter to voice my worries over feeling detached and a little flat overall about being pregnant. It would seem that I am very much not alone in these thoughts, with so many lovely ladies reaching out to me today to say that they felt the same, that they understood. And do you know what I have realised today. It is okay to feel this way.
Pregnancy after infertility is a strange place to be, you are neither back in the trenches or really feeling that you belong in with other ‘fertile’ pregnant ladies, feeling isolated, feeling in limbo, not fitting in the infertility world any longer but not fitting in the fertile world either. I mean, would someone who never experienced the bumpy road of infertility understand why I am struggling to get excited about preparing for the baby, how I am not excited about choosing things for the nursery, about how it really doesn’t feel like I deserve this after this length of time, so why would it actually be happening to me?. Some of the friendships I have built up over the years from the blog and from twitter suddenly feel off-limits, not due to those lovely ladies, don’t get me wrong, everyone has been lovely to me. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. A pregnancy after infertility is hard enough sometimes for those still stuck waiting to see if their time will ever come, never mind one that actually ended up being a natural pregnancy.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had exciting times, I have felt emotions of joy and complete amazement that this is currently happening to me. But these feelings aren’t sustained currently, generally I am just feeling that little bit flat about it all. Why am posting about this though? Well I think that by talking about it, it will help me, by opening up to the fact that it is not what I expected it to be will help me to deal with the thoughts and emotions that are attached to that, help me to move on and get enjoyment out of the pregnancy that I have waited so long for. To no longer feel an imposter in the world of pregnancy.