I’m putting a disclaimer at the start of this post. It is very woe is me so if you don’t want to read any further I don’t blame you. I just need to get it out of my head.
I’m making no apologies, I’m hurting like heck, as the months slowly move on the pain gets no easier. It’s been nearly two years, two long years since we made the decision for me to get my contraceptive implant removed, to let fate decide if we were to become a family. When nothing happened we stepped it up a gear but 16 cycles later, still nothing.
Not even a sniff of two lines on a pregnancy test, not that I’ve done too many of them I find a negative test hurts me more than my period showing up, I learned that quite quickly!
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve got excited thinking this is it, been hopeful, working really hard to find positives no matter how shitty I really feel. The tears that have flowed have been too much to keep track off, after all there is only so long you can fend them off when life just seems to deal you a crap card.
I have to let myself have that time, to let it out, to be damn angry with my body, and with myself, for daring to hope.