Waiting on the inevitable!
I foolishlily allowed myself to have too much hope this month, that probably sounds weird but what I mean is in my head I allowed myself to get carried away, thinking that this month was going to be different, that Clomid despite all I had read about it not really helping in unexplained infertility would help me. That this month it would be different…….
Any of you who have been there, who know the two week wait only too well will know exactly what I mean. A what feels like a never ending cycle of reading too much into things then spending the rest of your time trying to read nothing into anything and ignoring the fact that anything at all may or may not be happening! It’s so blooming tiring.
This month for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to have more hope than usual. I always have hope, I need to, there is always that 25% chance each month isn’t there that this month it will be our turn. But this month I got excited and excited at this point is never a good thing, I need to return to just being hopeful, never excited, for excited to me means a bigger fall when it doesn’t end up with the result that I want.
I use Basal Body Temperature to confirm my ovuation. For some I know that this stresses them out and they don’t like it but for me I have never felt overly stressed by it and it actually gives me pre warning to my period arriving so I normally have already dealt with most of my emotions before she arrives and can just get on with it when she does. This month I had the prettiest chart I have had in over two years of charting. You want to see a dip on ovulation then a rise, sometimes you see a third rise which they class as being Triphasic which I have always thought was a really good sign and something I have never seen before until this month.
My chart was looking lovely, until today where it dropped by quite a bit, which normally means my period is on it’s way. All the excitment as gone and now I am met with what one of my twitter buddies referred to as AF apprehension, you know it’s coming, its just a case of waiting on the inevitable……
Looking back on my phone notes last night I came across this, written nearly a year to the day when I was out on a night out with my then pregnant sister in law and feeling a little sorry for myself. I had wanted to get the thoughts out of my head to let me enjoy my night –
A year later and the thoughts are still the same. I know we will get there, whether it be naturally or through IVF, things have changed over the last year, we have been through lots of tests, we now know there is nothing wrong with us but still we are sitting in the same position as we were when I wrote that note last year to myself.
Still hoping, still praying and still ready to be parents with so much love to give.
Please let it be our turn soon.