This day last year I posted this blog post ‘will 2014 be the year?’ I can’t quite believe that I am writing a post a year later still asking the same thing. I never in my wildest dreams thought that we wouldn’t be at least sitting here pregnant now, or if I am really honest with you, I thought that we would have just celebrated our first Christmas with our baby. But things in my dreams have not become a reality and I’m faced with wondering again if 2015 will be the year that we finally become a family of three.
We started the year off with fertility drugs and full of hope and optimism but it wasn’t meant to be. By August we were embarking on our first round of IVF which also wasn’t meant to be. And by Christmas we were lost and didn’t really know how to move on from a year that was filled with so much hope but in relation to infertility, gave us nothing but disappointment. There were points in the run up to Christmas that I just really couldn’t see how we could carry on, I had thought I was coping so well but honestly there were some very very dark days where I felt so overwhelmed I couldn’t see how we were ever going to move on from the failures of 2014. But move on we must and somehow we got through Christmas, we allowed ourselves to feel happy and sad and the hope for New Year started returning.
I’m writing this now with that hope continuing to return, with thoughts of our next and final NHS IVF cycle coming up in the next few months, dreams slowly coming back to me, wishes and hopes that 2015 will be the year that we have been waiting for.
Yes 2014 wasn’t kind, it didn’t come up with the goods that we wanted but it did show me that my marriage is solid, it showed me that through shared pain we have become even more of a team than I ever imagined we could be. Infertility is an evil, soul destroying illness, one I would never wish on anyone, it may give me dark dark days but it will not ruin me.
Bring it on 2015!